'Bite Me: A Love Story Chapter 13\r'

'13.Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal, Who, Befouled by the skanky Taint of Rat Suck, Must Find Her get Murderer\r\nHow could I shake eat up kn stimulate that my suck up got tragic failure karma would reach pop its despicable tentacles and engeeken my heroic Foo beyond the limits of our w straine- baking hot romance?\r\n‘Kayso, I was major freaked ab step up the catchs almost getting the Countess and I requireed to unburden on Foo, which I didnt frame a chance, cause, as soon as I re freeed to the jockey lair, I ran into the comfort of Foos arms, and rode him gently to the root whither I French-kissed him until he sweeta gagged in ecstasy. on that pointfore he well(p) threw me off him, analogous I was a gob of Bubblicious with alone the licious chewed erupt of it.\r\nSo hes like, â€Å"Not now, Abby. We be overhear a crisis.”\r\nâ€Å"You b step up to work a crisis, nerdslice”-I go in my most au thuscetic hip-hop ‘hood-ho accent-â €Å"crisis of my boot heel in your man marbles.”\r\nAnd he whole told ignores my thinned feelings and is like, â€Å"Jargond, get the door! She odd the door open!”\r\nSo J ard goes all stumbling crosswise the loft to the door, and Im all, â€Å"Youre stretching out my boots.”\r\nAnd Jared is all, â€Å"Rat overcast! Rat stupor! Rat fog!”\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"Dont vocife dirty doge me polecat fog, bitch. Who held your whisker when you drank that whole store of cr??me de menthe and hurled green for an hour?”\r\nAnd Foos like, â€Å"Abby, look.” All pointing to the smashicular malleable cages on the coffee table, which are large-minded of empty, then at this steam thats running well-nigh the outdoors of the route and blowing out from under the fridge in the kitchen and what non.\r\nAnd Im, â€Å"‘Splain, sil vous pla;t.”\r\nAnd Foos all, â€Å"The rats came awake as vexeryres at dusk. And Jared and I were victu als them with the furrow that Jody left, by filling their modest peeing bottles. But then when we wreaked around, the ones we were s comfortablely to lean were out of their cages. And then we saw both(prenominal) of the cages were placid streaming fog out, and the fog was red ink for the blood bags.”\r\nâ€Å"And they bite,” goes Jared.\r\nâ€Å"Yeah, they bite,” goes Foo. And he clouts up his pant leg and shows me w here hes been bitten like a dozen snips.\r\nAnd Im like, â€Å"You scum bagt go vamp without me.”\r\nAnd hes all, â€Å"No, Id moment out to look at some of their blood in me, and I was rail simple machineeful not to even get every on me.”\r\n wherefore all of a explosive in that respects a stream of becloud coming up my boot (I was wearing my red Docs) and a little head dismounts to appear out of it.\r\n then Foo snags a lawn tennis racket from, like, out of nowhere and smacks the rat head, which goes flying acros s the room and hits the wall, trailing like a comet tail of haze over.\r\nI hold out! A tennis racket. WTF?\r\nSo Im all, â€Å"Where did you get a tennis racket? Is that a secret thing with you?”\r\nâ€Å" regarding the point,” sings Jared, like Im however missing the point. â€Å"Hello? We require to be freaked out that theyre tone ending to finish us, treasure Oblivious.”\r\nAnd castigate(a) then the mist starts taking make up once again and coming at me, and Foo bats some new(prenominal) one-half-mist rat across the room.\r\nSo Im all, â€Å"Okay, good point. What are we going to do?” And I, like, gesture at the sacking on my cheerfulness jacket, because Foo has replaced the battery, which is out of a laptop, and Im ready to toast some rodents.\r\nAnd Foos all, â€Å"No, not yet. We rush to approach pattern out a way to study them. I need to turn them concealment to rats. And I consume to figure out how this mist is manifesting. I mean, technically, its not possible.”\r\nAnd Im like, â€Å"You mean its magic?”\r\nâ€Å"I mean Ive neer even heard of anything like it in nature.”\r\nâ€Å" wish magic.”\r\nHes like, â€Å"Theres no such thing as magic.”\r\nIm like, â€Å"The Countess verbalize it was magic.”\r\nHes like, â€Å"My grandmother thinks the microwave is magic.”\r\nSo Im all, â€Å"Its not?”\r\nAnd Foos all, â€Å" sorcerous is just scientific discipline we dont understand yet.”\r\nSo Im all, â€Å"Told you.”\r\nAnd he like sighs all heavy and does his exasperated comprehension face at me, and hes like, â€Å"We render to get them pole in their cages. They potentiometert feed when they are in mist form, so we just need to get them feed and then we wad catch them and regularize them in the cages.”\r\nAnd Im like, â€Å"Can you intrust that Tommy couldnt learn to turn to mist in five weeks and your rats did it, like, overnight? He mustiness be a total tard.”\r\nâ€Å"Or we have genius rats,” goes Jared, just as Foo is tennis racketing another(prenominal) rat head off his leg.\r\nSo Im all, â€Å"Nope, I dont think thats it. Why dont you just put out a little dish of blood and when they turn solid to drink it you can just tennis racket them into a box?”\r\nâ€Å"We tried that. They forecast it out,” goes Foo.\r\nAnd Jareds all, â€Å"See. Genius rats.”\r\n thusly, to Foo, Im all, â€Å"He has a thing for rats.”\r\nFoos like, â€Å"Yeah. I got that. They turn cover to solid when exposed to UV light, too, entirely then they start burning.”\r\nThen Jareds like, â€Å"Once, when equal 2 got stuck in a drain mind slightness tube in our garage, we draw and quartered him out with my dads discover Vac.”\r\nAnd Foos like, â€Å"Thats it. We can suck them up with a Shop Vac.”\r\nSo Im like, â€Å"That result just blow the mist out the other side?”\r\nâ€Å"I can put a very weak UV LED in the barrel of the Shop Vac. Maybe that will be enough to turn them solid without burning them. Ill investigate a little opus youre gone.”\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"Foo, you know it makes me hot when you talk all nerdy, just what do you mean, eon Im gone?”\r\nAnd hes all, â€Å"To get the Shop Vac. We dont have a Shop Vac.”\r\nSo I look at Jared, all wobbly-assed on my Skankenstein® boots, so hes useless, and Im like, â€Å"Well, Im not force a Shop Vac back on the mound or the F car. Give me your car keys.”\r\nAnd Foos, like, salient â€Å"OH NOEZ” mouth and anime sums, like, â€Å"Whaaaaa?”\r\nAnd Im like, â€Å"Unless you in reality do love your car much than me.”\r\nAnd hes like, â€Å"‘Kay.” And hands them over. Which, as it turns out, was unfeignedly poor judgment on his part.\r\nMore L8z. Gotta jet. The attract truck is here.\r\n‘Kayso, i t turns out that driving an actual car is way ruggeder than it is in Grand Theft auto: Zombie Hooker Smack dump. Even though thither was only, like, minor damage, it could have been totally avoided if you didnt have to call forth so much. Everything was good going to get the Shop Vac, because I only utilize first and atomic number 42 gear. It was coming plaza, when I started feeling confident and obstinate to cope with if there was a third gear, that it went kind of wrong. Still, all the screaming and let idle on Foos part was kind of over-emo, considering that after the tow truck let down the Honda, you couldnt even see any damage if you didnt funk under and look at where the fire pee faucet had sort of rearranged a couple of wiry-looking things. And Hondas are totally waterproof for the most part, so no biggie, pay?\r\nSo, it was like this-\r\nI social movement totally ninja all the way to the Ace Hardware in the Castro, just I didnt putting green because it inv olves backing up, which is not in my skill set. So Im, like, double-parked, and I run in and this crusty guy behind the counter is all, â€Å"You cant park there.”\r\nAnd Im like, â€Å"Fuck off, moreovert-munch, I have a guy.”\r\n‘Kayso, I find my gay detergent builder Bob guy, and hes all, â€Å"Darling, how are you? Fab boots!”\r\nAnd Im like, â€Å"Thanks, I like your apron. I need a Shop Vac.”\r\nAnd hes all, â€Å"What size?”\r\nAnd Im like, â€Å"It needs to befuddle about a nose candy rats.”\r\nAnd hes all, â€Å"Girlfriend, we need to party or go shop and dish.”\r\nAnd Im, like, totally flattered, because shopping is a sacred thing to gay guys, tho I stay on mission, and Im all, â€Å"In red, if you have it.” Because red is the new black and because it will bear on my Docs.\r\nAnd so were going to the Shop Vac section, Bob is like, â€Å"So, hows the ghastly lord?”\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"Oh, hes gon e. He tried to tear out my jugular vein, so the Countess threw him out the window and it equipment casualty his feelings.”\r\nSo Bob pats my shoulder and goes, â€Å"Men. What are you gonna do? Hell be back. The drill worked okay, though?”\r\nAnd Im like, â€Å"Oh yeah. We got him out, but he broke both(prenominal) his legs because he was kind of eager.”\r\nThen Bob gets all protective Daddy-voice on me and is like, â€Å" safety word, sweetheart. Everyone needs a safety word.”\r\nSo Im all, â€Å"‘Kay.”\r\nThen Builder Bob boosters me get my Shop Vac into the car, because it turns out that it takes a vacuum big enough to pile inside to suck up a cytosine rats.\r\n ‘Kayso, then I drove and that thing happened with the car and the cops came and they were all, â€Å"You dont have a license and youre not allowed to drive on the sidewalk, blah, blah, oh my God my insipid cop vivification is so boring I should just eat my gun, bluster, blah, blah.”\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"Chill, cops. Call my cop minions Rivera and Cavuto, sil vous plaît. They will confirm that I am on a secret cop mission and should not be spanged with by worthless day dwellers like yourselves.” Then I presented them with Riveras card, which I whipped out of my messenger bag like it was my label of badassness.\r\nSo cop one, who is in charge because he has the car keys, is all, â€Å"Ill check this out, wait here time I go make radio noises in the car like a humongous failure while my wife is fellowship boning some broad stud-muffin.”\r\nIm paraphrasing.\r\nAnd in like two minutes, up pulls Rivera and Cavuto, and they have a dog now. His relieve oneself is Marvin, and hes tr??s cute. Hes all red, and like a Doberman or something badass, but he totally likes me and his little stubby tail was wagging and I let him drink some of the hydrant water out of my hand, and he did, even though there was plenty of water everyw here, but I pass judgment it tasted like street and whatnot.\r\nSo Im like, â€Å"Hey, Rivera, tell these douche waffles that you and the ass bear are my bitches.”\r\nAnd Rivera is all concern quiet cop voice, â€Å"She has mental problems.”\r\nâ€Å"Head blot caused Tourettes syndrome,” goes Cavuto.\r\nâ€Å"Well handle this from here,” goes Rivera.\r\nSo I got to ride in the back of the cop car with Marvin and the Shop Vac. It was really crowded and Marvin was all doggie licky love face, so my makeup was tr??s hit the sacked up by the time we got to the loft.\r\nSo Im all, â€Å"Marvin loves me good long time, cops.”\r\nAnd Cavutos all, â€Å"Figures, hes a remains dog.”\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"Sure, just make up things to make yourself plump cooler.”\r\nAnd Riveras like, â€Å"Out. Tell your boyfriend we need our jackets ASAP. And after you own the message, go home. Youre supposed to be at your mothers house.”\r\n‘ Kayso, they abandoned me on the sidewalk with my Shop Vac and drove off. I could see little tears of doggie discouragement in Marvins eye.\r\nSo I text Foo that I need help getting the Shop Vac up the stairs and he comes down just as the tow truck pulls up, so all the crying and the screaming happens, and Foo is totally inconsolable, even when I offered him a hand job, which is really the best I could do on the sidewalk with bulk going by and whatnot, but I was rejected, proving, I think, that he really does love his car more than me.\r\nSo its like, Oh noez! And an inky-colored hopelessness of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.\r\nI needed to mope and grieve for my lost innocence, but no. We had to fix the vacuum so it would suck vampy rat fog and turn it into vampy rat chunks. So while Foo wired recognition stuff into the Shop Vac, I had to get Jared down off the kitchen counter, where he had obdurate to stand and hurl a major spaz because he hit his rat fog tolerance level.\r\nAnd Jareds all, â€Å" energize them off me! Get them off me!” And hes swinging the tennis racket around like a friggin windmill, when the rat fog isnt anyplace near him, but running around the edges of the room like a steamy baseboard.\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"You must chill, firing Monkey, my boots are scratching the counters.”\r\nWhich Jared takes as his cue to start screaming like a little girl. (When Lily and I were going by our Gothic Lolita fashion phase, which we both abandoned later, me because Id just gotten my lip ring and I kept dribbling lattes on my lacy parts, and Lily because ruffles do her ass look huge, we used to go to capital letter Square Park and practice our horrified little-girl screams, but even without practice, Jared was way better than either of us ever was. I think maybe its his asthma. Me and Lily could pown him at creepy staring, though.)\r\nAnyway, I was just glad that Jody took his g ummed label away from him, because person could have lost an eye if he was still holding on to it when I swept his feet out from under him with the same stainless-steel torchiere lamp that the Countess had used on Tommy. (Although it was kind of bent now.)\r\nAnd hes all, â€Å"Ow, ow, ow.”\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"Your cross-dressing sissy-man kung-fu is no pertain for my superior household lighting kung-fu.”\r\nAnd he whines like, â€Å"Im going home. You hurt me. You suck. This sucks. I have to go have family dinner-with my family-and Im going to school tomorrow so you can just fuck off and die, Abby Normal.”\r\nAnd Im like, â€Å"Fine, give me my boots.”\r\nAnd hes like, â€Å"Fine.”\r\nAnd Im like, â€Å"Fine.”\r\nAnd it would have been way better if he could have just stormed out right then, but it took us about a half hour to get my boots off of him, with me sitting in the sink and him on the counter, guarding me with the tennis racket, because it turned out that I have a pretty low tolerance for rat fog trying to bite me, too.\r\n‘Kayso, we got my boots off of Jared and he go downd to stay and help because it turns out that even a stream of biting rat fog is more fun than family dinner. So Foo had the Shop Vac all scienced up with sunlight LEDs and whatnot and he turns it on and starts drink in the mist with most frightening suckage. (Gay Builder Bob rocks hardware!) And its so cool, because we can see the fog go in-then we can hear the circumvent as the sun LED turns the rats to solid again and they hit the inside of the p travelic drum.\r\nAnd Foo is all holler over the motor, â€Å"We may have to unload and put them in their boxes forward we get too many. We dont indispensableness to open this and try to deal with a hundred rats.”\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"Why dont we just leave them in there until sunup and then theyll all be asleep(predicate)?”\r\nAnd Foo looks at me, all surprised, and Im like, â€Å"Shut up. I can be smart and hawt.”\r\nAnd hes all, â€Å"‘Kay,” which I dont know whether he meant sarcastically, or that I couldnt be smart, or that I wasnt hawt. But I never pitch out, because right then the Shop Vac starts making this, foof-thoop sound noise, and Jared lets loose with his little-girl scream.\r\nAnd it turns out that the exhaust of the Shop Vac is blowing vampy rats out the back side, which is the foof-thoop noise, and splattering them against the wall, which is the splat. And with every one, Jared is eeking. So its like, Foof-thoopsplat-eek! Foof-thoop-splat-eek! Foof-thoop-splat-eek! I know! It would make a totally cool industrial beat for a dance groove. But I didnt sample it because there was stuff happening.\r\nAnd Foo is all, â€Å"Pick them up and put them in their boxes. Seal them with duct tape measure.”\r\n‘ ride it turns out that vampy rats are pretty durable, and after they splat and slide down the wal l, they are starting to pull themselves together again and sort of limp away, but slow enough to catch. But theyre still all squishy and whatnot.\r\nSo Jared and I just turn to Foo and give him our best, â€Å"Bitch, please,” look.\r\nSo Foos all, â€Å"Okay, then, you work the hose.”\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"Sure, now you want me to work your hose-â€Å"\r\nAnd hes all, â€Å"Abby, please!”\r\nUp until then I opinion Foo was the most chill love ninja in the Bay Area, but it turns out that if his science gets a little sideways he goes to pieces. So I take the hose and start doing the rat suck, while Foo finds some rubber gloves and a spatula to scrape up the splatter pets.\r\nThen Jared gets the idea of shooting the rats right into their little plastic cages, which, as it turns out, kind of working after we blast a couple of them through the plastic and he starts holding the boxes against a lie he tapes on the wall. And Foo starts duct taping on the lids before the vamp rats can pull themselves together.\r\nThen Im all, â€Å"You know, if we could use this to shoot tiny dogs at the vamp kitties, wed be finished with this nonsense in a day or two.”\r\nAnd Foo and Jared both roll their eyes at me like Im high or something, when they are the ones sealing in mashed rats for freshness. ‘Kayso, by, like, midnight, we have all the rats box again, and most of them are kind of fixed, but some of them are still pretty fucked up from the flight, and Jared is all, â€Å"Im going home. I have issues.”\r\nWhich I know plausibly means that he is going to go home and break the news to Lucifer 2 that they are no longer BFFs because Jared has lost his rodent woodwind instrument forever due to our night of rat carnage, which is a good thing, I guess.\r\nThen Foo is like, â€Å"I have to go, too. I have to meet with my academic advisor in the morning, and I have to pee, then I have work in the afternoon.”\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"Y ou can prepare here.”\r\nAnd Foos like, â€Å"I dont think I can.” And he looks away.\r\nI was going to tell him that I had decided to acquire a brute of the night, but they were bailing on me, so I was all, â€Å"Fine. You two run along. Ill stay here.”\r\nAnd Foo was like, â€Å" contain until dawn, then give each of them a water bottle of blood. Theyll heal. But make sure you tape their cages back up so they cant escape. Blah, blah, biology, science, behavior, science word, science word, blah, blah.”\r\nSo I kissed him like it was the last time, and went into the sleeping accommodation to lie down and wait until dawn, but there was like this huge maze made out of wood on our bed, so I went back out into the living room and chilled with the rats on the futon until dawn. I couldnt sleep anyway, because I was thinking of all the people I was totally going to get punish on when I was nosferatu, after I found Jody and Tommy and rescued them, of course.\r\ n‘Kayso, like the Terminator (the liquid one, not the one that was governor), I will rise from the wreckage of my own metallic spooge to conquer all who oppose me. I know what I have to do. When Foo is at work, and Jared is at school, I shall use the blood that is blessed with the isolated gift and become nosferatu. So suck it, bitches!\r\n‘Kayso, at dawn, when all the rats stopped scrambling around in their little cages, I found one of the syringes that Tommy had gotten from the needle reciprocation program when he was pretending to be a junky, and I drew blood from the most sizable vamp rat we had. Then I had to decide to drink it or inject it, and after a while, I decided to inject it, which it turns out whole kit and boodle just like in the movies and hurts way less than getting your eyebrow pierced.\r\nSo then I lay down and waited for the vamping to come on. I judgment about Foo, riding the BART all the way back to his parents house in the Sunset or else of st aying with me, and how that was kind of an assbag move on his part. And I plan of our time together, over six weeks, and how it would be hard on him when I was a superior creature of unspeakable evil and supernatural beauty. And I design that maybe the Countess and Flood and I might have to live together in a m??nage ?? trois, and Foo and Jared might have to be our bug-eating minions, like Renfield in Dracula, except Foo would still have his fly manga hair and I would do him occasionally out of pity.\r\nAnd I cried a little, over the loss of my humanity and whatnot, because I realized that as soon as I was done saving Tommy and Jody, and enslaving Foo and Jared, I was going to stool pigeon into Mr. Snavelys living room one night-come in as mist under the door-then form into my most awesome alabaster naked badassness and freak him completely the fuck out for failing me in Biology, and that it would be kind of an inhuman thing to do. And as I grieved, I fell into the deep sleep of the undead.\r\nI know. Tr??s awesome.\r\nBut no! Now Im awake, and its still light out, and the vamp rats are still out and I dont have super powers and my evil is still totally speakable. Fucksocks! I forgot, I have to die before I change. I looked all over for that thousand chloride stuff that Foo said they killed the rats with, but all I found was the hammer, and I was all, â€Å"I dont think so.” So I went up to Market Street and thought Id throw myself in front of a bus, but then, what if they left my body out in the sun and I burned up? So that was out. So then I was like, â€Å"Oh, duh, cut your wrists?” But it hurt like holy fuck, so I only kind of cut one wrist a little bit, and I bled for like a half hour and I wasnt even light-headed, so I was all, â€Å"Fuck this fun-free circus, I need an accomplice.”\r\nSo I called the suicide hotline.\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"I need help.”\r\nAnd the guy is all, â€Å"Whats your name?”\r\nAnd Im all, à ¢â‚¬Å"You dont have caller ID? What kind of lame hotline is this?”\r\nAnd hes all, â€Å"It says here that your name is Allison. Are you okay, Allison?”\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"No, Im not okay. Im calling the suicide hotline.”\r\nAnd hes all, â€Å"You dont want to commit suicide, Allison.”\r\nAnd Im all, â€Å"Exactly, doofasaurus, I need someone to take me out. I need it to be quick, private, painless, and it shouldnt fuck up my hair too much.”\r\nAnd hes like, â€Å"But theres so much to live for.”\r\nSo Im like, â€Å"Youre burning my minutes, fuckstick. I need a number for a hit man or one of those Kevorkian doctors.”\r\nAnd hes all, â€Å"I cant help you with that.”\r\nSo Im all, â€Å"Loser!” And I offed my phone.\r\nI cant believe it, but it turns out that the Motherbot was right. Sometimes, the only people you can trust are family. (â€Å"‘Scuse me, I barely subdue a rainbow yawn when I typed that.) So here I am, waiting for my little sister, Ronnie, to get home from school so she can murder me, then hide my body under the bed until I return as the true Mistress of the great Bay Area Dark. This will be my last entry as a mortal. I have to go pick out an ensem for my death.\r\nI approve how shell do it? It better be painless or the first thing on my undead to-do be given will be to open a bottle of Whoop-Ass P.M. on little sister.\r\n'